I had a blast writing this post for Fresh Fiction from Angie’s perspective!

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The heroine of My Reckless Valentine, Angie, wrote this annotated guide to some of her favorite erotic romances before meeting straitlaced Grant Peterson, her hero. I think she was planning to use the list in one of her library displays, but then changed her mind after—

Well, I don’t want to spoil the book. Never mind about that.

Enjoy the list!
Olivia Dade

P.S. While My Reckless Valentine is a bawdy romantic comedy, rather than an erotic romance, I still thought my readers might enjoy this glimpse into Angie’s fevered brain.

P.P.S. Presumably, she would have censored some of her saltier language before using the list, but…really, there’s no telling when it comes to Angie. So I redacted a few choice words on her behalf, substituting gentler alternatives in brackets.

P.P.P.S. These are all real books, by the way. I didn’t make up a single title! Not even the one with horny blue aliens!

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ANGIE’S LIST OF KICKASS SMUT

1. Ruby Dixon’s Ice Planet Barbarians

I’m starting strong, people. This series boasts giant, mate-hungry blue alien heroes with horns and enormous, ridged [manly protuberances].

Let me repeat that, in case you didn’t catch it. ENORMOUS, RIDGED [MANLY PROTUBERANCES]. The hero in the first book greets the heroine by [providing an intimate massage] with his equally-ridged tongue. And the heroes also have little “spurs” above those AFOREMENTIONED ENORMOUS, RIDGED [MANLY PROTUBERANCES] that work as either [tumescent pearl] or [chocolate starfish] stimulators.

I expect someone to design a vibrator shaped accordingly. Now. Chop-chop.

2. Mia Hopkins’s Cowboy Overload

Two cowboys. Silk rope. Various sex toys. Lots of lube. Oh, yeah. Ohhhhhhh yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaah. I’m ready for my harness, cowpokes.

3. Liliana Lee’s The Obsession

Badass bitch heroine has a 30-dude harem. I mean… ::one-clicks::

4. Mariah K. Quinn’s Unlock Me

Sexy, Irish chef stepbrother hero. BDSM. An entire hand going somewhere hands typically don’t fit. Well, I guess we’re stretchy down there for a reason, huh?

5. Tessa Dare’s Beauty and the Blacksmith

I’ll be straight with you: This is not an erotic romance. But the dude is so strong he [um…vaginally services?] the heroine standing up, without any additional support. In the middle of a smithy. When he’s filthy and sweaty and lifting her up and down with nothing but the strength of his muscled arms.

So…yeah. New life goal: Colonial Williamsburg trip, because if their blacksmiths can do that, I’ll rock a goddamn petticoat and cap. Not a problem.

6. Lauren Hawkeye’s Seduced by the Gladiator

Gladiators. Gladiators. GLADIATORS. Did anyone else here truly start puberty when they witnessed Russell Crowe in a little miniskirt and breastplate? No? Just me? You’re all [very naughty] liars. Plus, the heroine is a gladiator too, so that’s right up my alley.

Not in a dirty way.

Well, kind of in a dirty way.

7. Joey W. Hill’s The Vampire Queen’s Servant

A vampire heroine full of femdom badassery. If she isn’t sexually satisfied, she can literally drain the life from her lovers.

So [heartily dismiss] Colonial Williamsburg. New life goal: Become a vampire queen. Should be easy enough. Tomorrow, I’ll start looking for sparkly, brooding stalkers with great hair who can turn me.

8. Sierra Simone’s Priest

Never looking at anointed oils the same way again. Sacrilicious.

9. Alisha Rai’s Glutton for Pleasure

Two tall, dark, handsome, and damaged twin brothers want the same good-girl chef. At the same time. Sweet. Funny. Like Cowboy Overload, a ménage à trois story. Because apparently lots of hot men work in pairs and target normal, everyday women, so WHY HASN’T THIS HAPPENED TO ME YET???

::sobs::

::reaches for vibrator::

::sobs again when realizes vibrator isn’t ridged::

10. Rebekah Weatherspoon’s So Sweet

Made me laugh-snort, which most erotic romances don’t. Also made me wonder where all the hot billionaires are hiding in rural Maryland. Does the dude in overalls at the feedstore secretly flog innocent virgins in his red BDSM room between business deals? I mean, in a sexy, non-criminal way?

If this is happening and no one has informed me, let me tell you something: You people are in deep [intestinal discharge].