I wrote about my own (long-ago) wedding last week, and since then, I’ve been posting stories by friends about their own wonky nuptials. Here’s a new batch for your amusement!
Laura Curtis’ Marital Manual (Which She Doesn’t Read):
My husband and I got married in Las Vegas because my husband was a road manager for rock bands and the guy he wanted for his best man was the drummer of the band he was currently touring with. And here’s the thing: every bad drummer joke you’ve heard? They’re all true. So we knew if we wanted Frank to make it to the wedding, we had to get married on tour.
I called and arranged the chapel. They did weddings every twenty minutes, so ours was at 1:20. They have an atrium, the chapel itself, and then you go out the back. The ceremony is seven minutes long. You wait in the atrium until the couple before you gets all their paperwork signed and goes out the back and then it’s your turn.
When I’d called to arrange the chapel, they’d asked if I wanted a secular or religious ceremony. I said secular, but the first thing the minister — an embittered French-Canadian — said when he began the service was “The Bible is a manual for marriage. Especially the New Testament.” My father, one of our only guests, said “She never reads the fucking manual,” which set the tone for the whole ceremony.
The minister told us that “love today is not as strong as love in Biblical times.” He told Mike that “women need to be told that you love them frequently.” He told me that men had frail egos and that whenever my husband accomplished anything, whether I was impressed or not, I should say “oh, you did that all by yourself?” To this day, I use that expression.
[NOTE from Olivia: Did you know that Laura has a spanking-new book available for your enjoyment? No? Well, GET ON IT, PEOPLE.]
SonomaLass and Her Wedding of Dubious Legality:
We were married by a secular humanist. We didn’t tell my mother-in-law.
She heard him say (just before our outdoor ceremony), “Those clouds look like rain. If I were a praying man, I’d pray for them to pass us by.”
MIL: “Who is that man?”
Me: “The minister.”
MIL (whispers to father-in-law): “I’m not sure this marriage will be legal.”
[NOTE from Olivia: Do you follow @SonomaLass on Twitter? No? Well, GET ON IT, PEOPLE.]
A Brief Comment from Gwendolen Crane:
This is what makes weddings memorable. Our ring-bearer farted LOUDLY during the ceremony. Best part of the whole thing.
[NOTE from Olivia: Do you follow @GwendolenCrane on Twitter? No? Well, GET ON IT, PEOPLE.]
Coming soon: More stories by Ainsley Winter and Ryvr Jones!
Olivia Dade 