My friend and awesome author Susan Scott Shelley tagged me to discuss my life from A to Z, so let’s DO THIS!

(NB: You may not be able to scrub your brain clean of some of these answers after reading them. Particularly Q and U. Don’t say I didn’t warn you, people.)

A—Age: 39

B—Biggest fear: Disappointing others. Oh, God, I’m doing it now, aren’t I? AREN’T I???

C—Current time: 5 p.m.

D—Drink you last had: Diet Coke. Battery acid-flavored beverage of champions.

E—Every day starts with: My daughter climbing on top of my sleeping body and poking me. Her: “Mommy? Are you awake?” Me: “Not willingly.”

F—Favorite song: My current obsession is “Love to Get Used” by Matt Pond PA. But my all-time favorite is probably “Find the River” by R.E.M.

G—Ghosts, are they real?: I’m skeptical. But I’m certainly not going to contradict people who say they’ve seen one, because—by the immutable law of horror movies—that’s just asking for a poltergeist or other malevolent spiritual presence to move into my home.

H—Hometown: Williamsburg, VA (AKA Colonial Disneyland)

I—In love with: Salted caramel anything. Oh, and my husband and daughter, I suppose.

J—Jealous of: People with blithe self-assurance. Makes me want to trip them, because they clearly deserve it.

K—Killed someone?: Just to watch him die.

Wait, no. That should read “Of course not! Hahahaha! What a silly question!”

L—Last time you cried?: Two days ago. But I’m a total sap. For example: When people get eliminated on Chopped and look all sad, I’m usually sniffling along with them. Unless they’re going home because they used too much sesame or truffle oil, because really? They should know better by now. Do they never watch reruns??? C’mon, people.

M—Middle name: Olivia Dade is a pen name, so I don’t have one. But maybe I should add it now? I’m open for suggestions. Esmerelda, for the youthful allure? Bertha, for the sexiness of it? Beyoncé, because various people fail to ready themselves adequately for my jelly?

N—Number of siblings: One, an older sister who was…less than pleased, shall we say, by my arrival. She may or may not have forgiven me in the intervening years.

O—One wish: I’m taking this on a personal level, rather than global. So…I wish I could get better about appreciating and taking pleasure in each small triumph I may have, rather than always looking to the next task ahead.

P—Person you last called: My husband, to ask the perennial question: “What are we doing for dinner?” Him: “I don’t know. What do you want to do?” Me: “I’m not sure.” Him: “Well, what were you thinking?” Me: “If I knew, WHY WOULD I BE CALLING YOU?” Him: “Fair point.” ::pause:: “So, if you were to pick something…?” Me: “OH MY GOD.”

Q—Question you’re always asked: [By my critique partner] “Do you realize you used the word ‘p***y’ fifteen times on that page?” Me: “But ‘vagina’ just doesn’t—” CP: “No more than five times. Fix it.” Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

R—Reason to smile: My job involves finding euphemisms for ladybits!

S—Song last sang: “That’s Not My Name” by The Ting Tings. So much attitude!

T—Time you woke up: 6:15 a.m., as my daughter landed with an audible thump directly on my bladder.

U—Underwear color: I’m currently wearing pajamas, so…um…I don’t know how to say this, but…

V—Vacation destination: Oh, God, anywhere. I haven’t been on a real vacation since 2009! (I should note that, by a complete coincidence, my daughter turns six this year.)

W—Worst habit: [Two hours after a conversation] “Did I say the wrong thing? Was she angry at me? She didn’t SEEM angry at me, but maybe—”

X—X-Rays you’ve had: Many. My husband can locate me at night by means of my gentle green glow alone.

Y—Your favorite food: Something I didn’t make. Especially if it’s salty-sweet. (SEE: “In love with,” above.)

Z—Zodiac sign: Libra. Which is ironic, since I’m clearly unbalanced.